Friday Flames: They FA'ed, but we're all gonna FO

If you're finding it extra difficult to find community with people who voted for four more years (at least) of political chaos, then don't.

When we were young parents in New York City, we lived above a diner with an extension that took over half of the sidewalk. It also used most of what was left of that sidewalk to pile its garbage in a long line of 8-foot drifts, leaving a narrow, rancid path for us to wheel the stroller through on the way to the park.

Today feels like that. We felt so confident on Election Day that the garbage was on its way out. But for reasons that will elude us forever, the garbage isn’t going anywhere, it’s piling up fast, and from their vantage point, our kids can’t see the end of it.

We were going to record a podcast this week, but it’s still hard to process our abject disappointment in admitting how efficiently a bunch of nefarious oligarchs bought the presidency. (Plus, Magda is getting over a splash of COVID, and this week she learned that Paxlovid makes your mouth taste like it’s full of nickels.) So we’re taking a break from the usual format and just ruminating about whatever the hell is next—especially when it comes to engaging with those who voted the other way.

A guiding concept in our parenting (and in Magda’s management strategy) has always been that boundaries are good and healthy, and that a child raised without them will cause chaos and pain that will end up isolating their self from others.

Now we see the result of that. The bullies and grifters who orchestrated the president-elect’s return to power have never been taught healthy boundaries and are more accustomed to steamrolling other people to get their way. And the people who voted for them seem to really enjoy that their favorites are unfettered by the nuisance of guardrails. Or shame.

It’s exhausting to keep feeling like you’re subsidizing other people's bad decisions—as well as the bad processes behind those bad decisions. For as long as we can remember, the people who don't want to do research, look at any data, trust experts, or even understand on a basic level how the government or economy works have gotten a pass because "they didn't mean anything by it." And if we try to put up healthy boundaries to stop these people from hurting us, we're told we're "being divisive," and that the division is what hurts us.

There’s no denying that algorithmic siloing has split us into two dissonant realities. But we’re often told that the only way to bridge the gap is for us Lefties to keep bridgebuilding, whether or not anyone on the other side is trying to meet us halfway.

It’s not a tenable solution.

So it’s time to stop focusing on healing our divisions and instead figure out how to maintain healthy boundaries for ourselves. Unfortunately, that's going to involve watching people who got what they think they wanted experience natural consequences, possibly for the first time.

They might feel confused or betrayed, for example, after they wait until after the election to look up what a tariff is. They might wonder where their healthcare went or why their jobs were eliminated. They might try to make us feel guilty for not taking responsibility for their actions and feelings. Even though they Fucked Around, we’re all going to Find Out. But there’s no rule that says we have to Find Out in community with people who genuinely want to know if it’s too late to change their vote.

So if it benefits your life to cut the people you can’t reason with out of it, go ahead and sharpen your scissors.

Holding good boundaries is a kindness to yourself, but it's also a kindness to them. You can love someone best by cutting off their access to you and your goodwill. Maybe they'll figure it out, eventually. Maybe they won't. It’s not your job to “fix” anyone, assuming that’s even remotely possible. Lean into the people who respect and love you enough not to vote against the values you espouse or the support systems you depend upon. There are so many of us out here.

We’ll back with Episode 63 next week, resolving to do as we always did with that stroller in the trash maze: hold our noses and plow through.

Thanks for reading, and good fences still make good neighbors.

Magda and Doug