Uneasy on the eyes
Have you had your eyes checked recently? If not, you might have worse myopia than 10 Senate Democrats.
This week, we’re thinking about our eyes—which are currently twitching with rage over the latest showcase of Chuck Schumer’s blinkered logic. He keeps pinning his strategy against this suffocating onslaught of cruelty on a “hope” that the bullies and grifters who run the country will get tired of bullying and grifting and just be nice. Which is a lot like hoping all that poop will work its way back up into your dog.
But even if he is right, which he is not, he can’t be the face of the Democratic party anymore. He can mastermind behind the scenes all he wants, but against this reality show of a presidency, the sad truth is that he needs to look the part. And he won’t be the man to inspire the defiance we need as long as his readers are a ridiculous joke.
Seriously. How progressive can the Senator be if he won’t even get a pair of progressive lenses? And this isn’t ageist, because there are literally zero other celebrities, at his or any age, who correct their vision like he does. Until he gets a pair of frames he can wear at the top of his nose, like a normally functioning adult, he will be derided as a decrepit old relic. The kind of guy who calls out the evil sheriff with Twinkies in his holster.
By the way: When was your last eye exam? When Doug found himself doing the Schumer Spec Slouch, he saw an optometrist named Tony and was roundly chastised for waiting six years between checkups. (In his defense, Doug has normalized his rotten vision ever since he got glasses on his second day of kindergarten and learned his eyeballs are shaped like Tic Tacs.)
Fifty-year-olds need eye exams every year! Tony said. Your macula can degenerate! Drink a ton of water, or you’ll get dry eye! Cataracts! Glaucoma! You could get presbyopia, even if you’re not a Presbyterian! Your blood pressure medication and/or threat of diabetes could opathy your retinas! Or they could make a break for it and detach altogether!
Anyway. After that tongue-lashing (or eye-lashing?), we’re happy to report that Doug’s prescription has actually improved over those six years, because like a lot of us he is becoming more far-sighted with age. Senator Surrender Pants should be so lucky.