Friday Flames | 2.9.24
A weekly synopsis of what we figured out about the books with very long titles, the party dips, the migrating wildebeests, The Troubles, and the lessons in mourning.
For Uncle Tim
Eight years ago today, Magda’s uncle Tim died at 63 after his first night off the ventilator. His best friend of 40 years woke up just as he passed, because she knew.
Tim spent most of his adult life lonely and sad, because the one thing this brilliant, twisty, nuanced, delightful man couldn't do was open up and let himself be loved fully. So he self-medicated the only way that made sense to him, with booze.
There are many ways we tell ourselves we're too [name your adjective] for anyone to love us. But it’s not true. We all have dozens of soulmates out in the world—romantic and platonic—who want exactly what we've got. Magda used to think the goal was to find them, but the real trick, the one that can seem more difficult as we age, is to let them in when they show up.
You can let yourself be loved. It's terrifying. But you can do it. Even if you're addicted to something. Even if you don't like the way your body is succumbing to the ravages of time. Even if you don't have your shit together at all and can’t imagine not being a complete mess. You're still lovable, and you can let people in.
Embers in the News
Here are some of the links that peeked through the noisy news cycle this week:
More blood to the head? Despite reports that erectile dysfunction drugs may reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s disease, don’t believe the hype.
Confronting eldercare needs in Hawai’i … Hawai’ians have the longest life expectancy in the nation (80.7 years), and 20% of them are over 65.
… and Connecticut Gov. Ned Lamont’s new bill would track violations and complaints about nursing homes more transparently.
FAFSA’s irony An opinion piece laments how “simplifying” FAFSA in order to expand access to college is achieving the exact opposite effect.
This week on the podcast
If midlife challenges were merit badges, Jessica Ashley would have a full sash. And it takes a special mindset to be so open and funny about confronting her frustrations and vulnerabilities.
Episode 33: "We don‘t arrive at 50 on Plan A."
A lot of people our age are grieving the abrupt death of one parent and taking on sole caregiving responsibility for the other. Some have endured a bitter custody battle (or two) after a breakup and built a business around their experiences. Some have had children later in life and know the fatigue of chasing after a grade-schooler.
Currently reading
Magda is ripping through her friend Shannon Reed's collection of essays titled Why We Read: On Bookworms, Libraries, and Just One More Page Before Lights Out. It's poignant and funny and hits at the heart of being a reader.
After the winsome haplessness of Less Is Lost, Doug pulled a 180 and started Say Nothing: A True Story of Murder and Memory in Northern Ireland. Given life’s stresses, it feels like an accomplishment to want to delve so deeply into the violence of the human condition. And Keefe compels you to keep reading and find out what happens, even though you know what happens.
Currently watching
The intimacy of the nature footage in Our Planet II drops your jaw so low that even after the behind-the-scenes footage shows you how they did it, Doug still doesn’t believe how they did it. Amid the tremendous beauty, be prepared for the disturbing visuals of polar bears swimming to exhaustion and albatrosses eating plastic.
Mike was away at a conference all week, so Magda reverted to keeping the TV on to stave off the time blindness (it’s an ADHD thing). She watched live news, a shit-ton of Ask This Old House and mid-'80s The Price Is Right, and re-re-re-started catching up on Days Of Our Lives.
Currently cooking
In Mike’s absence, Magda cooked nothing and lived on peanut butter and coffee.
Doug will spend tomorrow experimenting with hot dips to bring to the Super Bowl party. He’s still deciding whether to focus on a base of bacon-cheddar or spinach-artichoke, or if some wondrous hybrid awaits discovery. (If you’ve got ideas, drop a link in the FB group.)
Next on the podcast
We’ve been talking a lot about friendship lately—the weird challenges of making new friends at our age, and how we maintain and winnow those special relationships that have somehow endured since our teens.
Thanks for reading, and wasn’t Plan A an adorable idea?
Magda and Doug